Category Archives: Parenting

The 10 Natural Laws of Parenting

  1. Murphy’s Law: If anything can go wrong it will.
  2. The parenting law of invisibility: If your kids want something they can see you. If you want something, they can’t.
  3. The Law of Increasing Disorder: The closer it gets to the hour of some important event, the more chaotic things get. This is directly proportionate to the level of importance of the event in question.
  4. The Law of Regularity: If you ask a child to do something, he/she invariably need to use the restroom. The converse of this law is that your child will never need to use the restroom unless you are in your car at least 20 miles from the nearest restroom.
  5. The Law of Inverse Hunger: The more excitement, dessert, etc. the less hungry a child will be.
  6. The Parent’s Four laws of Motion:
    • Parental Inertia: If you want your child to do something, you will have to prod them along every step of the way. If you do not want your child to do something, this fact in itself provides all the needed inertia for the task to be done without any prodding whatsoever.
    • f=ma: If your child is running away from you, the speed at which they travel is directly related to your body mas multiplied by the speed at which you are traveling in their direction. The best way to catch up with them is to stop running, or to run in the opposite direction.
    • Every action has an equal and opposite reaction: This is why kids retaliate in kind after being hit, bit, scratched, etc. If you want it to stop, you have to step in and stop them yourself or it could go on forever.
    • If you have several children and you are moving toward them with the intent to capture, they will all move away in separate directions. (Please refer to the Parent’s Second Law of Motion)
  7. The law of Parenting Relativity: If you sit down with a child on your lap, all of the children in the house will gravitate toward you and it will not be long before all of the children have dog piled on you, with the smallest child somehow on the very bottom of the pile. This invariably results in kicking, biting, and screaming about who was there first or who should be the one who should be allowed to stay for whatever reason. This will continue until you get up and throw All of them off.
  8. The Parenting law of Conservation of Mass-Energy: Matter is neither created or destroyed, therefore missing left socks, missing keys, and other mysteriously vanishing objects have either been: a) sucked into a black hole, b) transformed into another form of energy, or c) have been buried in your child’s sandbox.
  9. The Parenting law of thermodynamics: your child’s desire to play outside and get healthy exercise, fresh air, and sunshine is directly related to the temperature. They will not want to go out because it is a) too hot, or b) too cold. The temperature will never be just right unless one of the other laws has influenced him/her in one way or another.
  10. The Electrostatic law of Parenting: Teens will only want to venture forth to any activity if there is a satisfactory electrically charged particle to with whom to join with to create an electrostatic force field (i.e. a “hot” member of the opposite sex). Be very wary if they are excited to go ANYWHERE!

Cursed!

This morning, as I was getting everything to go to a Christmas party at my sister’s house, I dropped a plate of 2 dozen hot coconut macaroons on the floor. I had just gotten my kids in the van . . . an ordeal in itself! Child#1 changed clothes 3 times, because she couldn’t wrap her brain around the fact that this was a breakfast PAJAMA party. Child 2 screamed for at least a half hour because he wanted to go to the church primary party that was also that morning and since we had to choose, family came first. Finally after he realized that the family party would be longer (more games, more treats, etc.) he got in the van, quite happily too. (grrr) I on the other hand after trying to get them going, had not quite been able to get it all together and I was still trying to round up cookies for the Christmas cookie exchange. So now the kids are waiting for me while I am scrambling to get the cookies out of the oven and onto a plate, which I then dropped on the floor . . . lovely!

So, I scooped them up, all mashed and broken and left them on the counter to cool. (We fed them to the chickens when I got home — I hope they don’t die . .)

When we got there, we were short on graham crackers for the little gingerbread village the kids were making.  So I went to the store to get more. And as I am waiting for someone to back out some hot guy in a red fire bird swoops in between me and the row of parked cars and steals my parking space!  It wasn’t even a packed parking lot. I mean there were plenty of available spaces, that one just happened to be opening up and was a little closer to the door, so I was like hey! maybe something will go my way this morning! (because it really was super cold outside) BUT NO! So I rolled down my window and yelled “Merry Christmas! I Hope it’s an emergency!” and he looked at me and said “It is!”

Well I didn’t buy that crap for a second! So when I went in the store and saw him there I walked right up to him and looked him in the eye and said “So, what’s the emergency?” He said something lame about getting a money order for his wife and I said, well there were lot’s of other open parking spaces. He looked uncomfortable and I just turned around and walked off. Maybe there was some kind of emergency that required a money order, sure, I can see that, but how much longer would it really have taken to park the next row over? It’s just that I was already quite obviously in position to take that spot. It’s like a plate of cookies sitting there, and I reach out to take one and he snatches it up off of the top of the pile just because he can. What a JERK! I thought of so many good things I could have said later of course — like “Thank you for reminding me what a great husband I have. I hope that money order keeps your wife happy, ’cause you don’t have much else to offer.”

So, I’m really fine with it. Maybe his wife is really horrible. Maybe I should feel sorry for the poor guy . . .

Did I mention that I had also toted along a casserole for the church Christmas dinner? I took it with me so I could bake it at my sister’s house and have it ready to drop off at the church by 4pm.

Again I am trying to round up my kids so I won’t be late dropping off the casserole. Again, I am invisible. I say get in the car, and they are out jumping on a snow covered trampoline 2 seconds later. Is what I am asking really that horrible? Because I am looking at the snow out there and that is not my idea of fun! By the time we are actually on the way, it is 3:45 and we are a good 45 minutes away. I drove fast and made it there only 15 minutes late. And someone had put their hand in the casserole. There was a big dent in one end where the foil had been completely mashed in.

“Who did this?”

“Not me!”

“Not me!”

“Not me!”

Three innocent pairs of eyes are staring at me.

“Come on, it was hot. There is no way you could do this and not notice!”

“Not me!”

“Not me!”

“Not me!”

blink, blink, blink.

So I pull out the guilt trip.

“An honest person would tell their mother if they did something like this.”

“Not me!”

“Not me!”

“Whaaaa ok, it was meeeeee!”

Now it’s my turn to feel bad for yelling. But I don’t. Not really. Ok, maybe a little . . .

I told the lady I handed it to to just stick the serving spoon in there and maybe no one would notice, and then I left. very quickly.

I took the kids home and had them change. We went to the church for dinner — No way I was going to try to cook after all that. And my casserole was already out on the serving table, and there was only one serving left.

I guess it wasn’t such a really bad day . . .